


(i don't really mind) that it's starting to get to me

by caramellian



Category: Howl Series - Diana Wynne Jones, Howl's Moving Castle - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxious Howl, Dom Sophie, Dom/sub, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hair-pulling, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Praise Kink, sub Howl, they're in love folks!! what can i say, well post-first book bc i haven't finished the others yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:00:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23658757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramellian/pseuds/caramellian
Summary: Sophie has been away for twenty. Four. Days.Needless to say, Howl is not handling it well.
Relationships: Sophie Hatter/Howl Pendragon
Comments: 19
Kudos: 572





	1. in which howl cleans

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! 
> 
> this is my first fic. ever. actually, this is my first voluntarily-written piece of fiction ever. go easy on me.
> 
> this was written to satisfy my MIGHTY NEED for howl being taken care of. i know he's a bastard drama man but he must be kind of sad, right? 
> 
> i PROMISE i will finish this fic. i'm almost done with the draft of the rest, i just need that instant gratification of posting.
> 
> enjoy! :))

Howl can’t stop moving. 

Howl is _vibrating_ with nauseous, nervous energy - he hasn’t stopped pacing in.... how long? How long has he been pacing? 

Howl worries his hands in front of him, his cuticles peeled and fingernails bitten to the quick. He puffs out an angry breath and drops down on the bed. 

Sophie has been gone for twenty-four days now, and some change. She left, in her lovingly-crafted seven-league boots and her lovely straw hat. She left, to visit Lettie and Suliman. She meant to learn from a magician other than Howl, who, despite his innate power, was both a terrible teacher, and one with an extremely specific style of magic. His natural talent was rather specialized, and he had never felt the need to branch out. 

This decision might have been shortsighted, however. The lack of knowledge on his part had directly led to a - frankly miserable - lack of Sophie. For twenty. Four. Days. With Calcifer gone exploring his freedom and Michael visiting Martha, Howl is completely alone for the first time he can clearly remember. It’s terrible. 

He has long since stopped reapplying the charms to his hands and fingers, did his best not to look at them; his gaze skittering away from the ugly, reddened skin. 

The peace of a quiet house has quickly turned to a sour, crushing boredom during which he has resorted to… horror of horrors… cleaning their bedroom. 

The restless energy inside of him has him flickering around the room, paying no mind to the dust he kicks up. His eyes are watering and he can’t breathe quite right, but the room _must_ be clean for Sophie. He can’t stop moving, or the great yawning loneliness in his chest is going to swallow him up and then - well. He can’t have Sophie coming back to a dirty room, to have her think that he can’t take care of himself or that he expects her to do all the work. He’s just doing his part. It has nothing to do with the fact that he worries he might cry if he has nothing to do with himself - no. That’s just the dust and cobwebs being cleared out.

He thinks… maybe? Maybe it’ll make Sophie happy to come back to a tidy room with open windows and a diminished number of spiders. He hopes it will. Maybe, if he makes her... proud? She might tell him- tell him... Howl’s hands are shaking. When had his hands started shaking? It will be much more difficult to dust with that damned tremor. 

Yesterday’s peace and quiet and _boredom_ has soured further to become a rotten sort of emptiness that seems to have taken up residence in the back of his chest. He swears he can feel it behind his ribcage. Is loneliness always this painful? He knows that all he wants - all he needs is to see Sophie, to hear her voice. 

But he doesn’t deserve that. 

He can’t even be alone properly, for god’s sake! His hair is unkempt, his nails bitten and bleeding. He hasn’t slept under the duvet since he made the bed, but every morning it’s once again set askew by his restless sleep. He has resorted to trying not to sleep, so that Sophie can come back to a crisply-made bed. Sophie likes clean things. She likes things to be beautiful and well-polished so Howl tries to be beautiful and well-polished and _clean_ for her as well. He really does - it’s just that sometimes Howl really can’t be the one with the responsibility of making himself good for Sophie. And usually, when that happens, Sophie is there to help him. She takes him and without the charms and makeup and hairdye she makes Howl _good_ and _beautiful_ and… 

Sophie would know what to do. Sophie wouldn’t leave the duvet crumpled at the foot of the bed after tossing and turning for hours. But Sophie isn’t here and he has to decide himself but none of the answers seem right and his hands are _still_ shaking and- and there are three days until Sophie can come and set him to rights again. Until she can make him good again.

He can make it. Howl Pendragon can make it through three more days alone. He can do it well, and he can do it cleanly, tidily. For Sophie he can sleep in front of the fire instead of on the bed. She will be tired when she returns - she might have the seven league boots but a month of doing nothing but learning magic exhausts the mind and the body and she should have somewhere nice to sleep. She will come into the castle, followed by a warm breeze and with a tired smile on her face. But. She will be proud of him, won’t she? She’ll have to be - he hasn’t been perfect, but she must at least see that Howl has been trying. Not perfect, but. Good, maybe? Will she think. Would she say- Has he earned that? 

He moves to start washing the dishes, the water just on the painful side of hot. 

Three days.

\---

Oh, how Sophie misses her Howl. Pulling on her seven-league boots and waving Lettie goodbye, all she can think of is getting home to him. A month is much too long to be completely apart, and she has arranged to leave several days early in order to surprise him, something she is very rarely able to do. 

On her way back, she stops to collect flowers for him, sternly reminding them that they are not to wilt until they’re well into old age - Howl does hate seeing dead flowers. 

Her lessons with Suliman have broadened her abilities, and she can’t wait to share them with Howl upon her return. Learning magic has always been fascinating, but it is much better, she finds, when she can bicker with Howl while doing it. It just isn’t as much fun without him. 

Over the past month, she found herself more and more often opening her mouth to tell him something, only to stop short when she remembered he wasn’t there. She missed their comfortable workshop banter. She couldn’t even poke fun at Suliman without getting a glare from Lettie! Her sister takes that man far too seriously.

The wind blows warmly around her when she finally arrives at the castle. The spot they had chosen together was lovely - a cliff overlooking the sea; a field of swaying flowers surrounding the castle and always filling the air with a floral scent. They made it a real home, too, not just a place to rest. Howl planted a small vegetable garden just next to the door, and does his best to take care of the plants. It’s rather amusing to see such a tall man bent half over, chatting with radishes.

This garden, as she approaches, boots in hand, is her first sign that something has gone wrong.

The tomatoes are rotting on the vine, the leafy watercress sprouts withered into crumbly brown snarls. Has Howl not been caring for the garden? He _is_ fickle in his interests, but he had been so excited about the prospect of having a plot like the one in Wales and it seems unlikely that he would abandon it so easily. Perhaps he’s simply forgotten, or gotten so caught up in a spell that he can’t stop to water the plants. Either way, she crouches down and speaks gently to them.

“Now then, you don’t look like you’re doing so well. It’s time to perk up - alright, let’s go!”

She picks up the half-full watering can discarded next to the garden and sprinkles the water over the ailing plants. Before her eyes, they lose their sickly brown tinge. The tomatoes plump up and return to a shining bright red.

“Well, isn’t that better? I’ll be sure that Howl takes better care of you from now on.”

Turning, she quietly opens the door. Sophie has put so much effort into getting back early; she doesn’t want to lose the element of surprise now! She creeps up the stairs, carefully avoiding the second and fifth steps (which squeak horribly when stepped on). Howl comes into view, his back turned to her as he- 

Wait a moment. 

He’s washing dishes? 

Sophie steps softly to the sink, watching Howl as he obsessively scrubs at what appears to be a perfectly clean teacup. Next to him on the counter is their entire teaset, dripping after presumably having been given the same treatment that poor teacup is getting right now. 

Sophie, at this point, is quite worried. Why isn’t he reacting? Hasn’t he heard her?

She reaches out and taps him gently on the shoulder.

Howl flinches away violently, whirling around and flinging soapy water across the kitchen. The teacup slips out of his hand and crashes to the floor, shattering loudly against the sound of running water. His eyes are wide and horrified, his hands scratched and bleeding. His voice breaks when he speaks.

“Sophie?”


	2. In Which Sophie is Good at Buttons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alt chapter title: in which i expose my pet name kink  
> alt alt chapter title: someone please pry the dash button off my keyboard and force me to just end the sentence  
> alt alt alt chapter title: five thousand sentence fragments jammed together to mimic the sound of anxiety brain
> 
> i'm gonna be honest, chief. i wrote this all in two sittings and then only edited it enough to add italics. 
> 
> enjoy! :D

“No. No no no no- you’re. You can’t - Why are you here? Sophie, you can’t _be_ here yet! I’m not. I’m- I’m not _done._ I have to- I have to…”

“Darling.” 

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not. I’m not. It’s just I haven’t _finished_ , Sophie. I’m sorry, it was meant to be _good_ for you but you’re home early and- I’m not blaming you, I would never be angry at you for that it’s just that. I wanted it to be _perfect_ for you and it’s not and- and I’ve _broken_ a teacup and- oh god - I don’t have my charms on, Sophie… I’m sorry, but I can make it better just. Just give me some time? The bed- it’s made up for you, and it was supposed to be nice. A nice surprise for you when you got home and I’ve been doing my best - I promise, Sophie. I made the bed up for you, too. I’ve even been sleeping in here instead so that- so that you could be _comfortable_ because I mess up the blankets even when I sleep on top of the duvet and- Sophie, I really am sorry. I just wanted to be- I wanted the _house _to be good for you. I thought it would be. Nice.”__

__“Have you said your piece, Howl?”_ _

__He gestures helplessly, and his voice is small when he answers._ _

__“I’m sorry, Sophie.”_ _

__“Obviously this has been… hard for you, love.” Her gaze follows Howl’s frantic gesture until her eyes catch on… “Oh, sweetheart, what have you done to your lovely hands?”_ _

__These words seem to be what finally break him. He crumples in on himself, turns towards the kitchen counter and shuts off the water. The sudden silence is painful._ _

__Sophie moves toward him. He can hear her footsteps._ _

__“Darling, turn around and look at me.”_ _

__His knuckles are white, clenched against the edge of the sink. Still, he doesn’t move._ _

__“ _Howl_. Look at me.”_ _

__He turns, slowly, his hands behind his back, trapped against the counter. The shame bubbling up into his throat is choking him and he can’t seem to raise his eyes from the floor._ _

__His eyes flutter closed as he feels Sophie touch his face. She cups his cheeks with her hands - _so_ gently - and rubs her thumbs along the dark circles he knows must be ringing his eyes. He’s just. So tired._ _

__Sophie lets out a soft breath as he sags into her, his nose tucking into the crook of her neck. It can’t be comfortable for him, bent like that to her height, but he seems… well not happy, but he certainly doesn’t seem like he’s planning on moving any time soon. She barely even notices when he starts crying - he had been shaking so hard at first that the wracking sobs don’t register._ _

__She does her best to gather him up into her arms, one hand tangling in his hair and the other wrapped around his shoulder, pulling him into her. He still hasn’t touched her… and that’s what breaks her out of her reverie._ _

__She lifts Howl’s head from her shoulder._ _

__“Show me your hands, please.”_ _

__Howl wants to refuse - she can see it in his eyes - but still, he brings his hands up and she clasps them in her own, examining the damage he’s done to them over the past month._ _

__“You shouldn’t- you really shouldn’t look at them. I know it’s… _bad_.” His voice is quiet, and drops so much that she can hardly hear the last word._ _

__“May I take care of them for you, dove?”_ _

__“You don’t- you don’t have to. You must be tired.” He wants nothing more than for Sophie to do exactly that - to take care of him and soothe the stinging pain in his hands, but he can’t ask for that. She had come home early to _surprise_ him, and he had ruined that already. _ _

__“And so are you, love. I want to take care of you. Will you let me?"_ _

__Howl can’t keep looking at her. His eyes fall to the floor again, and his shoulders come up around his ears. His voice breaks._ _

__“ _Please_.”  
\---_ _

__Sophie had brought him to the bathroom, setting him gently down on the lip of the tub. The tiles are cold under his bare feet. He suddenly feels uncomfortaby aware of how pathetic he must seem, overcome with the need to apologize again, to make sure Sophie knows that he’s been trying his best._ _

__He’s just opening his mouth when Sophie turns back from rifling through the cabinets with the salve that’ll heal the broken skin on his hands._ _

__She quirks an eyebrow. “If you’re just going to say you’re sorry _again_ , I don’t want to hear it. I love you, and you’re hurting, and so I’m going to take care of you until you’re not hurting anymore. Understood?”_ _

__He nods, a lump in his throat._ _

__Sophie smiles. “Good.”_ _

__And he knows that she didn’t mean that _he_ was good - he hopes he is, that she might still say it, even though he ruined her surprise - but it still fills his chest with a warm, bubbly feeling to hear her say it. His cheeks flush and he clears his throat, averting his eyes. _ _

__She twists open the jar and sticks two fingers in, holding her other hand out for Howl to take. He does. And she touches him so softly, _lovingly_ … How she can stand to touch his hands with so much care he doesn’t know. They’re _ugly_ and they just show how badly he’s failed over the past month._ _

__And yet, when she’s done, Sophie presses a kiss to the knuckles of his left hand. Sophie’s never been disgusted, even when he’s not beautiful. She turns his hand and kisses the inside of his wrist._ _

__“My dear Howl, you’ve done so well for me while I’ve been gone. I’ve never been prouder. I know how difficult this must have been for you.”_ _

__A choked moan forces its way through Howl’s teeth. Sophie’s eyes fly to his face, surprised. Then… assessing. And softening._ _

__“Oh, you lovely thing. Is that what you need? You want me to tell you-” Howl interrupts then._ _

__“Only. Only if you think- if you think it’s true. You can’t… Please don’t lie to me. Don’t tell me I’ve been. _Good_. If I haven’t. If you don’t think I have.”_ _

__Sophie holds his chin and turns his head to look her in the eye._ _

__“Would I lie to you, Howl?”_ _

__He swallows. Sophie won’t let him break his gaze._ _

__“No.”_ _

__“That’s right, darling. And are you going to trust me to take care of you now?”_ _

__“Yes. Please, Sophie.”_ _

__She grasps his hand and pulls him to his feet, not letting go once they’re both standing._ _

__Then, they’re standing in the bedroom, next the the impeccably-made bed that Howl hasn’t slept in for _days_. _ _

__“Tell me your word, dear.”_ _

__Howl can finally relax. Sophie knows what he needs, and she’s going to give it to him. He doesn’t have to worry anymore about making the wrong decision. Sophie is going to make them for him. She’s going to make him feel _good_ and _beautiful_ again finally and he’s going to get to make her _happy_. _ _

__“Red.”_ _

__“ _Good boy_.”_ _

__And as she says it, she pushes lightly on Howl’s shoulder. He folds to his knees like a house of cards, all his breath leaving him in a great rush, his head tilted forward so that his hair falls in a cutrain around his face. _This_. This is what he needed. God, but he loves Sophie. _ _

__She fists her hand in his hair and he whimpers as Sophie pulls him to look up at her._ _

__“Oh, hello, beautiful. If only you could see how good you are for me, sitting here at my feet exactly where I want you. So pretty, my sweet Howl.”_ _

__The words make the bubbly-chest-feeling expand and expand until he’s shuddering with it, the beautiful pressure of Sophie’s fingers in his hair shooting pleasure through his body._ _

__She spends a few minutes just stroking her hands through his hair as he kneels there at her feet. Sometimes she’ll tug, hard, and it’s just barely enough to keep Howl from sinking into the fizzy, floating feeling that seems to be completely filling his body. He can’t keep his eyes open - the words and touch are more than enough to overwhelm him and he can’t handle seeing Sophie watching him struggle to hold back the moans threatening to escape every time she pulls._ _

__“Howl, are you still here with me?”_ _

__He tries to respond, but his tongue has apparently expanded to fill his entire mouth and besides that he can’t seem to remember any of the words he might say if he had retained the ability to speak._ _

__Sophie releases her grip on his hair and he tries to push back into her hand, feeling cold without the touch._ _

__“Howl. Answer me.”_ _

__It’s easier when it’s not a question. Why is it so much easier? He would probably wonder that had he the ability to think beyond the commands Sophie doles out for him. That not being the case, all he can do is reply._ _

__“Yes, Sophie. Please. Please touch me.”_ _

__She smiles at him. He feels suddenly as though sitting in a direct beam of sunlight. The curtains are closed._ _

__“Come here, dearest. Get on the bed.” He complies, easily. “Take off your shirt, Howl.”_ _

__This one he struggles with. Why are there so many buttons? He fumbles and manages to get one undone, but there are about a hundred more to unfasten and he just. Can’t. But he- he has to do it for Sophie? If he can’t follow an order as simple as “Take off your shirt, Howl,” how can he be. Good?_ _

__And then Sophie’s hands stop him, resting over his own where they’re pulling ineffectually at his shirt._ _

__“That’s alright, love. Let me do it. Your hands are hurt, anyway.”_ _

__She eyes his hands contemplatively as she unbuttons the shirt with miraculous ease. Maybe that’s what she had learned with Suliman… If so, all the better for Howl._ _

__“Hands behind your back, Howl. Now.”_ _

__His wrists are crossed at the small of his back before he even thinks to move them._ _

__She walks around the bed so that she’s directly behind him, and he hears Sophie speaking softly to… his hands?_ _

__“You’re going to stay right there until I tell you to move, understand? I know you want to be good just as much as the rest of Howl does, so I know you can do that for me.”_ _

__Howl tests it, tensing his shoulders to pull his wrists apart, but they just won’t move. His breath is a shaky half-moan as he exhales, his shoulders relaxing. His eyes fall shut._ _

__Sophie moves closer, and all of a sudden her mouth is on his neck. He inhales sharply when her teeth scrape against his pulse and then._ _

__Oh. _Oh_._ _

__She bites down, hard, and he can’t help but buck his hips up, though he meets nothing but empty air. The groan that’s torn from his throat is _much_ too loud to be decent, but Sophie just smiles devilishly and leans in to kiss him. _ _

__Her hand in his hair, pulling hard, baring his neck. Her mouth on his, her tongue _in his mouth_. Then a hand is cupping his face so, _so_ gently and it contrasts so beautifully with the force she’s using everywhere else. _ _

__She releases him and pushed him until he’s lying on his back on the bed, his hands trapped underneath him, his hair still fisted in her hands._ _

__“You’re just so lovely, sweetheart. I’ve missed you so much, you know. I swear I thought of you every moment I was gone. It felt like so much longer than twenty four days. And here I come back to find you _cleaning_ for me, of all things! You’ve been _such_ a good boy, Howl. You did such a wonderful job. I’m so proud of you, sweet thing. So good for me.”_ _

__Howl can hardly breathe through the praise. He knows how aroused he is - he’s been able to feel it since he was pushed to his knees - but it seems so far away compared to the words Sophie is giving him. He’s floating now. It’s so good- he’s _good_. Sophie told him so._ _

__He gasps out, “Sophie. Tell me. Please?”_ _

__“My sweet, darling, boy - every day I wake up and I simply can’t believe how lucky I am to have such a beautiful, talented, lovely man who has decided to spend his life with me.”_ _

__“I’m- I’m th’lucky one,” Howl manages to slur out, turning his face towards Sophie’s smile._ _

__“I suppose we’re both quite lucky, then, dear. I count myself as having quite good fortune. After all, I found you. And you should know, sweetheart, you’re everything I want. You make me so happy.”_ _

__Howl gasps at that, screwing his eyes shut and mashing his face into the pillow as a wave of pleasure rolls through him. He can’t quite stop the movements of his hips, his hitching breaths making him go a bit lightheaded, but still not acheiving any sort of release from the electricity crawling through his body._ _

__That’s alright, though. Sophie will decide when that happens._ _

__He can’t stop himself from asking, though._ _

__“Sophie,” he whines, and her gaze snaps to his. “Please. Please let me touch you?”_ _

__Her smile is kind, but her question merciless._ _

__“You’ll have to be more specific, darling. Where exactly do you want to touch me? You know I can’t untie your hands.”_ _

__Howl can feel his face reddening. “I want. May I please. Can I put my mouth on you? Sophie, please.”_ _

__“If you insist, dear.”_ _

__Her answer is flippant, but Sophie’s eyes are so dark and her mouth hangs open a bit, and Howl _can not_ wait to taste her._ _

__She moves to stand and he feels not-as-floaty without her weight, but it’s worth it to watch as she slips out of her dress and underclothes._ _

__Finally _finally_ Sophie settles on him once again, just above his face and he can’t breathe for anticipation and then he _just can’t breathe_ because he can _taste_ Sophie and he knows this part. This part is where he makes Sophie feel good - as good as she makes him feel with her overwhelming praise._ _

__He starts rather slowly, swirling his tongue around her core, until she begins rocking slightly, riding his face._ _

__Her voice is less unaffected than it had been a few minutes, but she still speaks with the same amount of control. “ _Yes,_ Howl, that’s exactly it. That’s perfect, love, just keep at that. _Good_ boy.”_ _

__She starts grinding down in earnest, now, just using him to get off. Sophie is panting, but she keeps up a steady stream of ‘good’s and ‘oh Howl, you’re just perfect’s and it’s lighting up every part of his body._ _

__Howl loses track of time, letting himself float into the hazy, bubbly feeling. He comes back to himself a bit when he feels Sophie’s legs clamping around his face. He words have trailed off, but she’s making the most _beautiful_ noises, and he gasps as he feels her come._ _

__Sophie rolls off of him and they both just breathe for a moment._ _

__She shifts so that she’s lying on her side next to him, and he turns his head so they’re face to face._ _

__“That was _wonderful_ , Howl. I couldn’t have asked for more. You’re so sweet for me, darling.”_ _

__He can’t help but whine at that, hyper-aware once again of his arousal._ _

__“I know, dear. You’ve been waiting long enough.”_ _

__And with that she reaches out to easily unbutton his trousers, and _oh god finally_ she’s touching him. _ _

__She pulls his hair again, with her other hand, because Sophie is perfect and wonderful and knows _exactly_ what he needs. _ _

__With his hair being dragged back, his neck is completely bared. Sophie takes advantage of this, biting just under his chin where he knows he’ll be able to see it later. Howl moans and bucks his hips into Sophie’s hand._ _

__“Please.” He chokes out._ _

__“Of course, Howl. You’ve been such a good boy for me. You can come when you need to.”_ _

__And Sophie is pulling his hair, and biting his neck, and _touching_ him and he can’t quite breathe right and-_ _

__His eyes screw shut and he buries his face in Sophie’s neck as he comes. White light explodes behind his eyelids and he feels a sob force its way out of his clenched teeth._ _

__For long moments, he floats in that soft space._ _

__Then, he feels Sophie’s fingers stroking through his hair._ _

__He blinks open his eyes._ _

__“Welcome back, love. How are you feeling?”_ _

__“Thank you, Sophie. That was. Good.”_ _

__“Thank you for letting me take care of you, Howl.”_ _

__She carefully lifts his head and moves it off her lap, standing and stretching before retrieving a rag to clean them up with._ _

__Once they’re clean, she lays herself down in the bed with Howl. Late-afternoon light streams in through the windows, gilding them in a soft, warm glow._ _

__Howl is good, and Sophie is here, and they sleep._ _

**Author's Note:**

> ok this is my wish fulfillment fic bcause i too want to top howl.
> 
> hope you enjoyed! i do love comments *eyes emoji*
> 
> i'm on tumblr @madelinewhoo


End file.
